I just got back from yoga, made my not very healthy, but yummy post-yoga-smoothie, grabbed some hummus and pita, and sat down to do my homework. Then I saw that I got an email from WordPress and decided, hey – I should sit down and write another blog!
I like this new thing I’m doing – letting go of perfection. It’s really helping me with my hardcore procrastination/waiting until the stars align before making a move. I always think I need to be in the right emotional state before I can do anything, especially painting or drawing, writing, or really anything that requires inspiration. While I still believe that I do my best work when I am feeling passionate or emotional, I am beginning to realize this waiting is holding me back too much.
Thinking back, I didn’t have the luxury to sit around when I was in art school and wait for inspiration. I couldn’t afford to wait to be in the mood to do my work, and I actually did really well. In fact, when I was in art school, my marriage was falling apart completely and my future was completely up in the air.
So, maybe I don’t have to be in the perfect place emotionally and mentally before doing something?? What a concept!
I think there is something to just DOING, just moving forward in some direction.
So here I am. It’s Friday, I am alone (meh), I have tons of homework, and I am totally stressed about how I am going to make money in a few months when I run out. However, I am taking the time to put my thoughts down on “paper.” For me, this is an important part of my process, so why not do it for the world to see? I don’t know.
Ugh, I know I need to write a blog that is actually interesting and helpful to others, because, honestly, those are the blogs I read. So, I need to get my act together!
In the meantime…
I was reading this book and came across this quote by Albert Einstein.
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.
Oh, I love that so much. When I consider how tiny we are in the universe, I mean really, and we get to live this life at this time, right now, having these experiences. It really is a miracle that somehow everything came together and we are conscious, sentient beings living on this planet that is just the right distance from our sun so we can survive and dare I say, thrive?!
Speaking of miracles, I have just begun my final semester of my undergrad. For me, this is a miracle, and has been a very long time coming. I had to experience a lot of chaos before getting to this point. Almost every day, walking onto campus at Cal State Fullerton, I feel a swelling of gratitude almost to the point of tears, I mean really, it is kind of silly. I really am though, beyond grateful to still be here and nearing the end of the longest most ridiculous journey.
I took my first community college classes when my oldest daughter was two. To put this into context, she is 26 now. I have been to hell and back in that time, but I have learned so much, as trite as that sounds. Blah blah.
Where was I going with this?
Oh I wanted to say something about the word “perfectionist.” I hate it. I really hate it, and I don’t like calling myself that, because then I think that people will expect me to do things perfectly, or even just better than other people, and that is 100% not the case ever, ever.
Calling myself a perfectionist is such a mind-F because I really don’t think I have ever in my life done anything perfectly! Never. However, I do remember, and will never forget, one my professors writing on my illustration homework, “A+, I can’t see any way that you could have done this better.” Obviously this had a huge impact on me because I still remember it almost 10 years later, and I am writing about it right now. Whew! So maybe I have done one perfect thing?? Shrug.
Okay, this is how my “perfectionism” affects me negatively. First, it stops me from starting, and I hate that. Also, I am rarely satisfied with anything I do, no matter what it is. I have exactly one project from art school that I sort of think I did pretty well. Oh this is so sad! I need to fix this and start loving myself and believe that I AM ENOUGH, with no qualifiers. Meaning, not “good” enough, “smart” enough, or any of that B.S. – I am just ENOUGH. Flaws, gifts, talents, mistakes, triumphs, and all.
I AM ENOUGH.
… Enough ranting for one day. I must get to work!